I'm laying in your front yard are you home
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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