Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize
