yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
