You're my little dorito
literally had 100 drinks last night.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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