the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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