Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
