Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
