sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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