she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
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