I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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