She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Randomize
