If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Randomize
