I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
