tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
