census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
