My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
