I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
In other news, I just burned my penis
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
