Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
