I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
