I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
