btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
its liver damage thursday
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
