walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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