dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
