You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
