My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
