he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Nobody cheats on THIS.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
