I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
