so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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