I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
