Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
that's an acceptable place to lick
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
