I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
