Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
