Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
