so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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