I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
