Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
