Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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