You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
