im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Randomize
