Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
