Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
