Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
