if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
