How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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