first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I need a beard to bite.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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