it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
