well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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