First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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