Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
