Your mouth is God's brothel.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
